Sunday, May 19, 2013

What A Great Weekend!

How in the world is it already 7:45pm on a Sunday night?  I swear every Sunday night I'm just amazed with how fast the weekend goes.  I had one of the best weekends in a long time and it was sorely needed as work is crazy with installation, but the exhibit is going to be great when it's done.  Derek and I spent some time visiting my Grandma yesterday, which is always lovely because I have such a great Grandma.  It always reminds me that life is truly about the love that you have in your life and all the great people that I am blessed to have with me on this journey.  When we moved Grandma into the assisted living facility I was worried that it would feel like a hospital and that Grandma wouldn't be happy.  However, every time I go there I am more impressed with the facility and Grandma is doing great.  Is it where she wanted to be at this point in her life?  No, it was a curve ball she never saw coming, but has accepted it and made it her own.  She continues to teach me so many things about life and I am so grateful.  It's still weird to not go to her old home, but strangely she has managed to make her little apartment feel like the loving home I grew up going to and I am so grateful for that to still be in my life.

After we left Grandma's we got to hang out with Shawna and Mike, who are some more of my favorite people and went to the CSUF baseball game.  Having friends in my life who are truly family is such an amazing blessing that I am so grateful to have in my life! Plus, they have pretty much the cutest 17 month old little boy who is just constant joy!  Derek was teaching baby Owen about baseball or running after him with Mike and Shawna and I just got to chat like we always have.  It was pretty much the perfect day.

Now, if you'll excuse me (and my ramblings) I have to go make sure the husband gets up as dinner is done (I made this) and he doesn't really need a nap because we slept until 1:00pm today!?!?  (I missed church today because of that and trust me I don't think I've ever overslept for 12:45 mass before!)  Hope that you all had a great weekend too!


Saturday, January 5, 2013

New in 2013

One of my New Years Resolutions is to become more flexible and now Sunny will demonstrate said resolution below....

Another is to also spend more time here with you! See you soon and more info (and of course pictures) about my Sunny to come!


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times

I've gone back and forth as to whether I was going to share on this blog what happened in my life to keep me away from it for so long.  After a lot of thinking while gazing out of a commuter bus window, I decided that I wanted to do it for me.  No offense, I love the people who read my blog and my blog is definitely a life lesson for me in accepting myself and sharing myself with the world, but my instinct isn't to open up to people when I'm going through hard times.  At the end of the day this blog is a recording of the memories that occurred while I was choosing to live life and live it like the adventure it is and it wouldn't truly be that without writing about the last 6 or so months.

The Monday after Thanksgiving I got a call at work from my mom saying that she wanted to meet me at where I catch my commuter bus.  I knew something was wrong.  I can read my mom like a book, it's a skill that I've had since childhood and I knew something was up.  After pressing for a few minutes my mom just simply said that she didn't want to discuss it over the phone.  I immediately told my husband that I knew something was wrong.

When my mom arrived she told me that her doctor had called her with test results and that she had uterine cancer.  My stomach dropped.  I had been through cancer before.  My mother in law fought a valiant and epic battle against the cancer demon and in 2006 cancer took her from this world to watch us from another.  I immediately asked her if she was okay and how she was coping with it.  I should have immediately hugged her, but I couldn't move. I was anchored to the asphalt by a sense of overwhelming fear and a need to hold it together for my mom.  This was a time to comfort her, not for her to comfort me.  We discussed the plan to have surgery soon and that we wouldn't know if it had spread or how far along the evil beast was in its attack of my mom until after surgery.  My mom asked us not to talk about it on facebook or to mention it to family because she was afraid that it would get back to my grandma and my mom just wasn't ready for that conversation yet.  She told me she loved me and got teary eyed when she talked about how the cancer was where she had first loved and took care of me. 

I almost lost it.

We said our goodbyes and I asked her again to please take care of herself and to let me know of any updates. 

Driving home I kept trying to figure out how I was going to tell Derek about this.  How was I going to tell him that the cancer demon was once again in our lives and we would have to battle it emotionally, mentally, and physically once again.  I came up with so many ways to say it softly, desperately trying to figure out the way to say it that would cause him the least amount of painful memories.  I walked up the stairs, through the doors and saw him standing in the kitchen. 

"My mom has uterine cancer."

Finally breaking down into tears, I couldn't move past the entryway of our apartment and just hugged my cat Lucy blurting out everything my mom had told me and what the next steps were.  I felt him hug me and tell me it was going to be okay, that we would be okay and get through this.  Later that evening while Derek was in the tub, we talked about it again and I made him promise me that if he was having a hard time at any point that he would talk to someone about it.  I told him that I knew that he wouldn't talk to me because he would view me as already having too much to deal with, that's just how he is and he promised he would take care of himself. 

I walked out of the bathroom feeling numb.  The words uterine cancer and my memories of what my mother in law went through in her battle just kept repeating in my mind.  I couldn't cry anymore.  I just kept petting my cats, not sure how I was supposed to feel.  There was something in my mom's body trying to kill her.  I could lose my mom.  I'm not ready to lose my mom.

The next morning I woke up numb, but also constantly on the verge of tears.  I just tried to keep moving, telling myself that now was not the time.  I offered to drop my husband off at work and didn't seem to care that time was going by, time didn't seem to matter.  I drove to the station fully aware that I was running late for the last bus and telling myself now was not the time to cry, just keep moving.  I emerged from the parking lot to push the button for the crosswalk just as the final bus was leaving.

I lost it.

I started crying so hard I couldn't breathe.  Walking back to the car with blurred vision from the tears every possibility of what might happen flew through my head. 

I'm only 30 I don't want to lose my mom
There's still so much I need to know, who will teach me if I don't have a mom?
How can I have kids if my mom wouldn't watch them?
My kids wouldn't have a grandma on either side
Why is this happening?
Who will take care of my dad and his medical needs
Who will take care of my brother, he still lives at home
I don't want to lose my mom
I can't handle this, I can't handle any of this

I finally reached my car and called Derek at work.  "I don't want to lose my mom, I can't handle this, this is too much, why is this happening?"  He told me to breathe and asked me where I was.  I told him I missed the bus, that I was in the car and needed a hug.  He told me to drive to his work and to call my boss to let him know what was going on.  After trying to get in touch with my boss I started driving towards my safe haven that is my husband.  He met me at the car, told me that everything would be okay and said that he had told his boss what was going on and was taking the rest of the day off.

For the rest of the day I watched bad reality TV with glazed eyes while laying in a fetal position on the couch.  I knew I had to go through this overwhelming shock and sadness caused by this terrifying diagnosis.  I clung to the fact that there was hope that we caught it early and that things would be okay.  I braced myself for the idea that we might have to deal with chemo and radiation.  I desperately prayed for the strength and courage to take this all one day at a time.  Cancer didn't have to be a death sentence and I wasn't going to live my life waiting for my mom to die.  I had to find a way to live my life no matter what happened with my mom.  We were either going to beat this or it was going to beat us and either way I had to be okay.

I hope you don't mind, but this is obviously emotional to write and this post is already quite long, so I think I'll do a part two tomorrow.  Thanks for coming along on the journey...

Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day!!

Thank you to all of the men and women who serve our country in every branch of the military all over the world!

I am proud to be the daughter, daughter in law, granddaughter, niece and friend of military veterans!  Thank you for everything you do and God bless America!!


Thursday, November 24, 2011


Happy Thanksgiving Turkey Day! Here's what I'm thankful for today:

1. I am grateful for a loving and merciful God!  I'm grateful that no matter what I do he's right there with me telling me that everything's okay and that no matter what, he still loves me unconditionally.

2. I'm grateful for my amazing husband!  Everyday I get to be married to my best friend who picks up the pieces when I'm broken and always points out the silver lining on the darkest day.

3. My family!  We're no Brady Bunch, but we're definitely our own kind of bunch :-)

4. My job!  In this economy, you count yourself blessed if you HAVE a job and I not only have a job, but I LOVE my job!  My boss is amazing and my co-workers are a blast.  I get to do what I love everyday and it challenges me to be better and push through to find a solution in every problem.  I get to work and learn from the best of the best in the industry and still can't believe that I'm working at the museum I loved as a kid!  Now I get to make it so other little kids love going to the museum too :-)

5. Friends!  I have some of the best friends around who love you no matter what happens and no matter what you do.  The ones who when something happens are the first ones that call to find out if you're okay and how they can help.  The kind where you can sit and talk for hours, but it feels like 5 minutes.

6. My cats!  My Lucy who is a love bug and a terror to her sister everyday.  There is nothing like a Lucy cuddle when she first wakes up or walking in the door after a long day to Lucy kisses!  My Blue who reminds us everyday that she is gorgeous whether it's when she's bathing in the warm afternoon sun or yelling at us to give her treats.  Just like Lucy, there's nothing quite like when Blue looks at you with the I'm tired face and you can see how groggy she is, I may sound crazy, but I love my babies!

7.  My car!  This might sound a little too focused on things, but I don't care! We went over a year with a car that had a bad transmission so we wouldn't go more than 5 miles away from home.  It was definitely a year that taught us humility because when you're almost 30 and have to ask your mom for a ride, it's not exactly a confidence booster.  I'm thankful (and proud) that we buckled down, saved our money and came out of it with the exact car we wanted  :-)

8.  Living in the USA!  It's not perfect, no country is, but I'm so grateful to live in a country that's not torn apart by war, that I don't have to be scared to walk down the street, that I as a woman have opportunities and rights that women in other countries can't even imagine having and that I can choose my own path in life!  I'm also grateful for our military!  They sacrifice and fight every day so that I can have the rights that I do!  I'm very proud to say that I come from a very long line of military veterans.

9. My home!  I can honestly say that I love coming home! I encounter a lot of homeless people on my commute and around my job so I'm very grateful that at the end of the day I get to go to a home that I love that is warm and safe!

10. The holidays!  I love all the memories that come rushing back every year at this time.  I grew up having the most amazing Christmases that a kid could ask for and now I get to make new memories with my own little family.  I try not to let the consumerism get to me at this time of year and just try to focus on what's important: Celebrating Jesus' birthday with family and friends!

Happy Thanksgiving!


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Rough Way to Start the Day

You know it's not going to be a good day when you wake up at 5am in pain and looking like this:

Currently using eye drops to get out whatever's in there and icing it to make the swelling go down.....not exactly how I wanted to start my first Wednesday in November.  


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Happy All Saints Day!

All Saints Day is one of my favorite days all year as I love and value the saints so much!  They are such amazing role models for being holy as they were just regular human beings themselves.  They struggled in their spirituality and in their daily lives: St. Therese didn't like saying the rosary, St. Bernadette had trouble staying focused during contemplative prayer (that'd be me!), Thomas Merton butted heads with authority, and St. Catherine of Siena was a major firecracker!  I love them and value their wisdom and strength.  

Fr. James Martin who wrote the book, My Life with the Saints did a video with it and here's a clip from it about my favorite saint, St. Bernadette:

and always remember that God doesn't expect you to be the next Mother Teresa, he already has one!  He wants you to be you!  Exactly as he made you!

To be a saint is to be myself. -Thomas Merton